So....Now I am back in Sydney. It is the 20th of December 2009; 4.29pm and I am alone with my PC and my thoughts.
I do miss my travels to India and Sri Lanka - and promise to update this log as and when I remember those 'gem-ish' moments. I am travelling to see Papa in Fiji in January of 2010 - so more adventures await.
It is almost Christmas and this year has been ginormous in terms of experiences, learnings and the unravelling of life in all of its facets. And I have a feeling it is just starting.
Of recent -I have been thinking of death. No I am not suicidal! But it is prevalent. Apart from knowing people who have died recently (including my friend Momo from my India travels) and having many sick friends who are on the verge - my mind wonders about this great shadow. Is it the great arbitrator of existence? Is it the ultimate harbinger of freedom and truth? Do I only know my life at my death? (And then holding onto the belief that death is in itself an illusion and doesn't exist in the greater scheme of things. I have a friend who says death is no-thing. He smiles at it and says to embrace it. But I am going to put these particular thoughts aside for now)
I have written 3 eulogies - and their content is rather transient except for this - I want to know that in the last few moments of breathe, I will be able to say that I lived life my way and I lived the life I wanted to lead and live. This is my truth it seems, if any truth can be owned (??) Cliche maybe - but my favourite song is Sinatra's My Way.
So where does that leave me. Now whilst I am alive - this notion is always on my mind. Am I now living the life I always wanted?And not always the easiest. What does this mean for my career and work? What does this mean for my relationships? What does this mean with family? What does this mean with my friends? What does this mean with my world? Who do I need to be?
All these questions are easy to tell you the truth. Simple.
The doosie is this - is the hard part getting on the path you want, or on staying on it? I am finding it is the latter. Why? Because I am a sovereign mass of energy and if life is mine and mine alone; then what do I look for to keep me going, on track and to endure all the questions - if it is me and all me. Alpha and Omega. Sometimes I wish Neo had taken the blue pill. But damn! What a rabbit hole this is.
I am listening to Sinatra now. I love the man. He never ceases to amaze me with the depth of his emotion and understanding.